"Is that your final answer?" When you really think about it, that is a very daunting question. Although, not quite so literally, this is a question we are continuously asked throughout our lives. Is that who you will date? Is that the car you want? Is that the career you are going to pursue? Is that the degree you are going to get? Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I don't quite remember when I first realized that I was "Type A," if you will, but since I recognized this trait within myself, it quickly became almost my entire identity as far as I was concerned. I am always very concerned with things being in the right place, everything being neat and tidy, things going according to plan, etc. Sometimes, I will spend the better part of my morning sorting through my planner and thinking about what all is coming up and what I have going on this week, etc.
When I first moved to Houston, I was able to live with my best friend. Although this was trying for both of us from time to time, it is one of the best times in my life. We had so much fun, made so many memories and re-built the bond that we had created so many years ago to something absolutely unbreakable. It was wonderful. Over time, my friend got a boyfriend and I got a new job... needless to say, things changed. Our friendship still remained as strong as ever, but I certainly didn't see her nearly as much as I had gotten used to. In that time of living alone in a new city, with a new job I became quite lonely. Not to mention the quite heart-breaking demise of my first adult relationship. I'm sure I don't need to say that I do not have the fondest memories of this time.
Mercifully, life moved on and I made friends and met new guys. But after going through such a low, I resolved to add new hobbies into my life so I could at least have a few things in the week that I could count on to provide a little distraction from all of my "alone time." Granted, I found Yoga-- very much an "alone time" sport (if you can even call it a sport). But I found something nonetheless. And! That lead me to join the gym. I did begin meeting with a personal trainer through the property I was working at and eventually discovered my great love for cooking. :) So as you can see, I did pick myself up.
Going back to the point of this whole entry is that despite all of my new discoveries, I still have a huge issue with committing to something (or someone) who will become part of my identity. I have always believed in waiting for the best and never settling. I'd done this a few times in college and vowed to never make that mistake again. It's better to be alone than trapped. And yes, I do agree with this. But sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming TOO picky. I can look at a man and be totally dazzled by him in the first few minutes... but after a brief inspection, I will quickly determine at least 2 or 3 reasons why he wouldn't be the one for me. What the heck?!?! I may not know anything about the poor man! And again, with my career. I love the job I'm in currently, but I do not feel fulfilled. Granted, the whole point of getting a degree and working through our lives in to learn and grow and move up in the world, etc. but shouldn't there be a point that people get to when they feel that they would be happy to remain in the vicinity of what they're doing for the rest of their lives?
Not me. When I'm at work, I think of how I love the people I work with and how I'm so grateful to be in a great company and to be happy here. But then I get home and watch Criminal Minds and immediately begin to second-guess myself. Am I in the right career path? Did I mess up by not ever pursuing my dream of being in the FBI? Will I ever really feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do without even trying to get in? If I apply and am denied, would I ever recover from the blow?
The concern I originally had with the FBI was the fear of being moved somewhere far away and not being near my family. This multiplied when my mom got sick. Obviously, this isn't quite such an issue now... but if my sister does move out here when my nephew is born, then I'm sure I'll feel the same way about not wanting to leave him.
Then there comes the other reason-- fear. I know it's perfectly normal, but for someone who isn't really the "Laura Croft" in real life quite like I feel I am in my mind, it's very scary to think about my dream actually coming true. As silly as it sounds, but just as much as I would love to say that I work for the FBI, I feel that it would almost terrify me if it really were to come true. I have always had very lofty goals, but haven't necessarily needed them for anything more than mere inspiration, considering they were pretty much always goals for long-term and not really something that would come to fruitition within the next year or so. This being said... I don't really have much experience with actually working towards (and achieving) said goal specifically-- other than graduating from college.
Nothing annoys me more than someone who always tells you about the wonderful things they're going to do, but then they never follow through on anything. Well, I'm afraid I might become (or have already become) someone like this. It's not intentional-- I'm sure it never really is. But I honestly don't know if I have the guts to really go through with it. I just don't know.
I guess my main fear is that I'll always looking for what lies ahead and being afraid that I'll settle, that I won't ever really commit to anything and therefore will be left with nothing, and no one, in the end. :/
I don't quite remember when I first realized that I was "Type A," if you will, but since I recognized this trait within myself, it quickly became almost my entire identity as far as I was concerned. I am always very concerned with things being in the right place, everything being neat and tidy, things going according to plan, etc. Sometimes, I will spend the better part of my morning sorting through my planner and thinking about what all is coming up and what I have going on this week, etc.
When I first moved to Houston, I was able to live with my best friend. Although this was trying for both of us from time to time, it is one of the best times in my life. We had so much fun, made so many memories and re-built the bond that we had created so many years ago to something absolutely unbreakable. It was wonderful. Over time, my friend got a boyfriend and I got a new job... needless to say, things changed. Our friendship still remained as strong as ever, but I certainly didn't see her nearly as much as I had gotten used to. In that time of living alone in a new city, with a new job I became quite lonely. Not to mention the quite heart-breaking demise of my first adult relationship. I'm sure I don't need to say that I do not have the fondest memories of this time.
Mercifully, life moved on and I made friends and met new guys. But after going through such a low, I resolved to add new hobbies into my life so I could at least have a few things in the week that I could count on to provide a little distraction from all of my "alone time." Granted, I found Yoga-- very much an "alone time" sport (if you can even call it a sport). But I found something nonetheless. And! That lead me to join the gym. I did begin meeting with a personal trainer through the property I was working at and eventually discovered my great love for cooking. :) So as you can see, I did pick myself up.
Going back to the point of this whole entry is that despite all of my new discoveries, I still have a huge issue with committing to something (or someone) who will become part of my identity. I have always believed in waiting for the best and never settling. I'd done this a few times in college and vowed to never make that mistake again. It's better to be alone than trapped. And yes, I do agree with this. But sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming TOO picky. I can look at a man and be totally dazzled by him in the first few minutes... but after a brief inspection, I will quickly determine at least 2 or 3 reasons why he wouldn't be the one for me. What the heck?!?! I may not know anything about the poor man! And again, with my career. I love the job I'm in currently, but I do not feel fulfilled. Granted, the whole point of getting a degree and working through our lives in to learn and grow and move up in the world, etc. but shouldn't there be a point that people get to when they feel that they would be happy to remain in the vicinity of what they're doing for the rest of their lives?
Not me. When I'm at work, I think of how I love the people I work with and how I'm so grateful to be in a great company and to be happy here. But then I get home and watch Criminal Minds and immediately begin to second-guess myself. Am I in the right career path? Did I mess up by not ever pursuing my dream of being in the FBI? Will I ever really feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do without even trying to get in? If I apply and am denied, would I ever recover from the blow?
The concern I originally had with the FBI was the fear of being moved somewhere far away and not being near my family. This multiplied when my mom got sick. Obviously, this isn't quite such an issue now... but if my sister does move out here when my nephew is born, then I'm sure I'll feel the same way about not wanting to leave him.
Then there comes the other reason-- fear. I know it's perfectly normal, but for someone who isn't really the "Laura Croft" in real life quite like I feel I am in my mind, it's very scary to think about my dream actually coming true. As silly as it sounds, but just as much as I would love to say that I work for the FBI, I feel that it would almost terrify me if it really were to come true. I have always had very lofty goals, but haven't necessarily needed them for anything more than mere inspiration, considering they were pretty much always goals for long-term and not really something that would come to fruitition within the next year or so. This being said... I don't really have much experience with actually working towards (and achieving) said goal specifically-- other than graduating from college.
Nothing annoys me more than someone who always tells you about the wonderful things they're going to do, but then they never follow through on anything. Well, I'm afraid I might become (or have already become) someone like this. It's not intentional-- I'm sure it never really is. But I honestly don't know if I have the guts to really go through with it. I just don't know.
I guess my main fear is that I'll always looking for what lies ahead and being afraid that I'll settle, that I won't ever really commit to anything and therefore will be left with nothing, and no one, in the end. :/
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