Today is Saturday, October 6, 2018; I'm 33 years old.... I live in a beautiful midrise loft near downtown, I have a job and a career that I love and am whole-heartedly committed to... I would say that I am very proud of the life that I have built for myself and feel that I truly have accomplished some great things in my life. However... as I read through the past blogs I have posted on here since 2011, I am struck by the reoccurring, very saddening theme... I am alone.
Even in one of my very first posts, I talk about how I feel that perhaps I am my own worst enemy... I say that I'm so proud of my independence, yet I stay awake at night, heartbroken over how there is still no one to snuggle up beside me. How did I get myself here? Successful, clear-minded, happy with most things in my life, yet still finding myself looking at my happily married friends and wondering "How do I get there?" I genuinely have NO clue. The problem with wanting to change something that you feel has been a reoccurring theme in your life is that we often don't know HOW to change it. How do I teach my heart to trust? How do I stop allowing my autopilot to immediately revert to "protect mode" at the slightest feeling of fear or danger? Life is hard. Yes. No kidding. I've LIVED through hard. More than many people, actually... and I'm not completely broken! In fact, I would like to think that it's made me a more compassionate person who really tries to enjoy the little things in life a little more than I did before... But... the 'control freak' side of me, who, granted... is the reason I HAVE a successful career and may of the good things in my life... but it's also the biggest part of my life that holds me back. I am SO aware of this... yet I have no idea how to change it.
I graduated college at the age of 24... While in college, I didn't understand why I kept meeting disrespectful guys who didn't want a relationship... I got a little older and I realized it wasn't that they were bad guys or that anything was wrong with me... it was COLLEGE. Most college guys are just young and dumb and always in the mood. That's all they think about and they probably are not aiming to crush the sweet girls whom they leave in their wake. So that was that.
Then I graduate and get into the 'semi' real world... finally start to meet decent guys and I struggle with not being where I want to be in my professional life b/c... I just graduated college... aaaand 2009. Thanks, economy. So I got over that and after a little while, I got an amazing opportunity and joined the fabulous world of Oil and Gas and never looked back. Thank you lord!
So then came the 2nd and 3rd brain tumors for my mom in 2009 and 2010... that last one proved to be the end of my life as I knew it. June 14, 2011, my amazing Mary Poppins mother went to heaven and my world was never the same.
Experiencing the loss of my mother... the cornerstone of my life... at 26 years of age... rocked my entire universe. My mother brought light and love to everything and everyone she touched. She truly made this world a brighter and better place. She is the reason I have the capacity to love in the way that I do... She is the reason I am a "mother" to anyone I care about... she is the reason I love cooking, traveling, Frank Sinatra, and so many more things... Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her.
Having such a wonderful role model leaves me so proud of the professional I have become and leaves me wishing for the opportunity to be that loving, doting wife that she taught me how to be. She truly was a home maker. Our house was a warm, inviting home filled with happiness, love, and amazing smells coming from the kitchen pretty much all the time! Holidays were so happy and fun-- our house was the "after party" place where everyone would come over for bubbles, dessert, and games. I still look back and think of those wonderful, happy memories... and it makes me long for the day when I will have a house-full of family in my own home. One day... speak it into existence.
So my challenge to myself:
Leave your past scars and wounds and trust issues in the past. You once spoke of how a man you once loved could never see what he had right in front of him b/c he was always looking into the rearview mirror... are you very different from that now?
If you want to let it go, then you have to LET IT GO. Stop with the white-knuckled grip on the past... move on. Find your NEW happiness. It's out there.. waiting for you to just step outside your comfort zone and grab it. You cannot find what's ahead if you never move forward.
Deal with what's holding you back in the now and create your own clean slate and all the good that is in your future for you will come find you.
Move on. Aren't you tired of fighting? Let go... trust that the future is so much better than what you've had to walk away from or those who have walked away from you... Trust that and just take a step. Close your eyes if you have to. Whatever it takes... just do it.
Your future self will thank you for being brave and choosing your personal happiness over your "tough enough" self and brick walls.
Maybe you do need to be rescued... and y'know what? If you do... that's okay. <3
Even in one of my very first posts, I talk about how I feel that perhaps I am my own worst enemy... I say that I'm so proud of my independence, yet I stay awake at night, heartbroken over how there is still no one to snuggle up beside me. How did I get myself here? Successful, clear-minded, happy with most things in my life, yet still finding myself looking at my happily married friends and wondering "How do I get there?" I genuinely have NO clue. The problem with wanting to change something that you feel has been a reoccurring theme in your life is that we often don't know HOW to change it. How do I teach my heart to trust? How do I stop allowing my autopilot to immediately revert to "protect mode" at the slightest feeling of fear or danger? Life is hard. Yes. No kidding. I've LIVED through hard. More than many people, actually... and I'm not completely broken! In fact, I would like to think that it's made me a more compassionate person who really tries to enjoy the little things in life a little more than I did before... But... the 'control freak' side of me, who, granted... is the reason I HAVE a successful career and may of the good things in my life... but it's also the biggest part of my life that holds me back. I am SO aware of this... yet I have no idea how to change it.
I graduated college at the age of 24... While in college, I didn't understand why I kept meeting disrespectful guys who didn't want a relationship... I got a little older and I realized it wasn't that they were bad guys or that anything was wrong with me... it was COLLEGE. Most college guys are just young and dumb and always in the mood. That's all they think about and they probably are not aiming to crush the sweet girls whom they leave in their wake. So that was that.
Then I graduate and get into the 'semi' real world... finally start to meet decent guys and I struggle with not being where I want to be in my professional life b/c... I just graduated college... aaaand 2009. Thanks, economy. So I got over that and after a little while, I got an amazing opportunity and joined the fabulous world of Oil and Gas and never looked back. Thank you lord!
So then came the 2nd and 3rd brain tumors for my mom in 2009 and 2010... that last one proved to be the end of my life as I knew it. June 14, 2011, my amazing Mary Poppins mother went to heaven and my world was never the same.
Experiencing the loss of my mother... the cornerstone of my life... at 26 years of age... rocked my entire universe. My mother brought light and love to everything and everyone she touched. She truly made this world a brighter and better place. She is the reason I have the capacity to love in the way that I do... She is the reason I am a "mother" to anyone I care about... she is the reason I love cooking, traveling, Frank Sinatra, and so many more things... Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her.
Having such a wonderful role model leaves me so proud of the professional I have become and leaves me wishing for the opportunity to be that loving, doting wife that she taught me how to be. She truly was a home maker. Our house was a warm, inviting home filled with happiness, love, and amazing smells coming from the kitchen pretty much all the time! Holidays were so happy and fun-- our house was the "after party" place where everyone would come over for bubbles, dessert, and games. I still look back and think of those wonderful, happy memories... and it makes me long for the day when I will have a house-full of family in my own home. One day... speak it into existence.
So my challenge to myself:
Leave your past scars and wounds and trust issues in the past. You once spoke of how a man you once loved could never see what he had right in front of him b/c he was always looking into the rearview mirror... are you very different from that now?
If you want to let it go, then you have to LET IT GO. Stop with the white-knuckled grip on the past... move on. Find your NEW happiness. It's out there.. waiting for you to just step outside your comfort zone and grab it. You cannot find what's ahead if you never move forward.
Deal with what's holding you back in the now and create your own clean slate and all the good that is in your future for you will come find you.
Move on. Aren't you tired of fighting? Let go... trust that the future is so much better than what you've had to walk away from or those who have walked away from you... Trust that and just take a step. Close your eyes if you have to. Whatever it takes... just do it.
Your future self will thank you for being brave and choosing your personal happiness over your "tough enough" self and brick walls.
Maybe you do need to be rescued... and y'know what? If you do... that's okay. <3
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