"It's just a state of mind." That's what she said when I state that I scoffed at my friend for saying "you just have to start trusting guys, Holly." Okay... sure. Because it's just that easy.
I'm sorry, but I simply don't agree. There was a time... many years ago... when I would just "believe" that a guy wasn't lying or that he wasn't shady or that he actually wanted to be something more... I quickly learned that I had been severely naive. Sure. I agree that not EVERY guy is a cheater or a jerk or a liar... several of my friends are married to great guys! But I can only speak for myself and MY personal experiences and what I have learned is this...
The first guy I learned to trust and look up at... was a controlling, angry, cheater.
So many years of my life were spent repressing my own feelings to ensure I never tripped his hair-trigger temper. So many years were spent not daring to assert myself or my strength for fear he would see a glimpse of defiance in my eyes... He did once; it did not go well for me.
When you're too young or too small to feel that you have any capability of changing your situation, you grow up to crave independence and freedom. I vowed to myself before I think I was even really old enough to understand, but I vowed that no man would EVER have control or power over me. I would never be trapped, I would never live in fear. I would rather die alone than be under some power-hungry narcissist's thumb.
Those of you who happen to just flitter around from happy relationship to happy relationship, where men just fawn over you... congrats to you. I am not that girl... or so it seems.
I realize that I have my issues-- obviously. But I also can think of many situations where men proved themselves highly unworthy of trust; therefore, I'm sorry, but it is not readily granted.
Women are a little different. I'm far more inclined to begin with a clean slate if I'm meeting a new female... However, not to say that a friend can't break your heart. Because it's happened... and they MOST certainly can. But, a friendship is completely different than a romantic relationship. There is SUCH a different vulnerability with a man when seeking a monogamous relationship than there ever is with a friendship.
Sure, friends will come and go... Sadly, I'm in the second season of friends vanishing. But at the end of the day, I'm still meeting new friends, and truthfully, the few I have left, I care very much for and will be just fine if that's the last group I end up with.
The days of me carrying the entire weight of a friendship with hardly any reciprocation needed are gone. My career and value of myself have grown exponentially in the last 3 years. Not only do I simply not have the energy to devote to sending a million texts each day, checking on my friends when I never hear from them first... I simply don't give a shit to do it anymore.
I have seen, through process of elimination, the people who were a friend of convenience... and by convenience, I mean, it was convenient for them that I was willing to do ALL the legwork for our friendship... Texting, reaching out, making plans, checking on them... shit, being their therapist when they needed it... Being their #1 cheerleader, regardless of whether or not they had ever been mine.
THAT GIRL IS GONE. And I have no desire to revive her.
I am so done with feeding people's egos. If you're a shit person, I don't want to associate with you and stroke your ego just to make you feel okay. Some people just do terrible things or simply live and speak in such a way that they reiterate continuously that they do not care about anyone else more than they care for themselves... And I don't mean it in the healthy "self-love" way. I mean in the "Holly's the sweetest person I've ever met. There's no way she would ever leave me. She'll be fine. She'll always be there." Well sweetheart, guess what? Those little thoughts... are simply untrue.
I'm done. I have hit my breaking point with so many people and just don't CARE to carry the relationship anymore. It's F'ing exhausting!!!
But here's the shitty thing... They dropped like flies.
Once they get a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband or have a baby... poof!
Now I will say this... that is not true for everyone. My best friend has a husband and THREE babies and is the most kick-ass devoted wife and mother ever AND STILL MAKES OUR RELATIONSHIP A PRIORITY.
Aaaah, there's the rub.
I used to be friends with a girl who I THOUGHT was one of my "besties."
HA! What a crock. How blind was I? She was another one I had plans with every week-- literally, every week... and then a few life changes for her and I thought to myself... "Y'know... I kinda want to give her some space and let her reach out to me." I also was curious how long it would take, since I was such a daily friend to her... Well, my friends... that was 3 years ago. Lol. Thanks, BESTIE. Really holding up your end of the deal, there!
But honestly, I'm fine with it. I have come to a place in my life where I genuinely feel that if someone doesn't want to make the effort to have me in their life, then their life is no place I want to be.
I have seen plenty of people (new friends and old) make the effort to show me that they want me in their life and they actually want to put forth effort to have me in theirs... So! Those are my people.
There once was a time when I would have 30+ people on my birthday party list of "closest friends." I don't speak to most of them anymore... Not going to lie... even typing that makes me sad. But honestly, I don't know that I would change that if I could, because the sides of people that I have seen over the years which are the reasons they would no longer be at my table, have made me no longer feel that they are "my people."
The sad thing about getting older is that I am learning that most people in this world are simply selfish. We are all busy. We all think our boyfriend, husband, baby, career, whatever... is the most important thing ever... and if we don't stop to realize that we need friends in those very full, very busy lives, then slowly we will drift... like a small boat, out to sea. Until one day, many of us will look around and see nothing but water for miles in every direction. And there will be no one to blame but that lonely person sitting in that boat, all alone.
So this is 35... fantastic.
I'm sorry, but I simply don't agree. There was a time... many years ago... when I would just "believe" that a guy wasn't lying or that he wasn't shady or that he actually wanted to be something more... I quickly learned that I had been severely naive. Sure. I agree that not EVERY guy is a cheater or a jerk or a liar... several of my friends are married to great guys! But I can only speak for myself and MY personal experiences and what I have learned is this...
The first guy I learned to trust and look up at... was a controlling, angry, cheater.
So many years of my life were spent repressing my own feelings to ensure I never tripped his hair-trigger temper. So many years were spent not daring to assert myself or my strength for fear he would see a glimpse of defiance in my eyes... He did once; it did not go well for me.
When you're too young or too small to feel that you have any capability of changing your situation, you grow up to crave independence and freedom. I vowed to myself before I think I was even really old enough to understand, but I vowed that no man would EVER have control or power over me. I would never be trapped, I would never live in fear. I would rather die alone than be under some power-hungry narcissist's thumb.
Those of you who happen to just flitter around from happy relationship to happy relationship, where men just fawn over you... congrats to you. I am not that girl... or so it seems.
I realize that I have my issues-- obviously. But I also can think of many situations where men proved themselves highly unworthy of trust; therefore, I'm sorry, but it is not readily granted.
Women are a little different. I'm far more inclined to begin with a clean slate if I'm meeting a new female... However, not to say that a friend can't break your heart. Because it's happened... and they MOST certainly can. But, a friendship is completely different than a romantic relationship. There is SUCH a different vulnerability with a man when seeking a monogamous relationship than there ever is with a friendship.
Sure, friends will come and go... Sadly, I'm in the second season of friends vanishing. But at the end of the day, I'm still meeting new friends, and truthfully, the few I have left, I care very much for and will be just fine if that's the last group I end up with.
The days of me carrying the entire weight of a friendship with hardly any reciprocation needed are gone. My career and value of myself have grown exponentially in the last 3 years. Not only do I simply not have the energy to devote to sending a million texts each day, checking on my friends when I never hear from them first... I simply don't give a shit to do it anymore.
I have seen, through process of elimination, the people who were a friend of convenience... and by convenience, I mean, it was convenient for them that I was willing to do ALL the legwork for our friendship... Texting, reaching out, making plans, checking on them... shit, being their therapist when they needed it... Being their #1 cheerleader, regardless of whether or not they had ever been mine.
THAT GIRL IS GONE. And I have no desire to revive her.
I am so done with feeding people's egos. If you're a shit person, I don't want to associate with you and stroke your ego just to make you feel okay. Some people just do terrible things or simply live and speak in such a way that they reiterate continuously that they do not care about anyone else more than they care for themselves... And I don't mean it in the healthy "self-love" way. I mean in the "Holly's the sweetest person I've ever met. There's no way she would ever leave me. She'll be fine. She'll always be there." Well sweetheart, guess what? Those little thoughts... are simply untrue.
I'm done. I have hit my breaking point with so many people and just don't CARE to carry the relationship anymore. It's F'ing exhausting!!!
But here's the shitty thing... They dropped like flies.
Once they get a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband or have a baby... poof!
Now I will say this... that is not true for everyone. My best friend has a husband and THREE babies and is the most kick-ass devoted wife and mother ever AND STILL MAKES OUR RELATIONSHIP A PRIORITY.
Aaaah, there's the rub.
I used to be friends with a girl who I THOUGHT was one of my "besties."
HA! What a crock. How blind was I? She was another one I had plans with every week-- literally, every week... and then a few life changes for her and I thought to myself... "Y'know... I kinda want to give her some space and let her reach out to me." I also was curious how long it would take, since I was such a daily friend to her... Well, my friends... that was 3 years ago. Lol. Thanks, BESTIE. Really holding up your end of the deal, there!
But honestly, I'm fine with it. I have come to a place in my life where I genuinely feel that if someone doesn't want to make the effort to have me in their life, then their life is no place I want to be.
I have seen plenty of people (new friends and old) make the effort to show me that they want me in their life and they actually want to put forth effort to have me in theirs... So! Those are my people.
There once was a time when I would have 30+ people on my birthday party list of "closest friends." I don't speak to most of them anymore... Not going to lie... even typing that makes me sad. But honestly, I don't know that I would change that if I could, because the sides of people that I have seen over the years which are the reasons they would no longer be at my table, have made me no longer feel that they are "my people."
The sad thing about getting older is that I am learning that most people in this world are simply selfish. We are all busy. We all think our boyfriend, husband, baby, career, whatever... is the most important thing ever... and if we don't stop to realize that we need friends in those very full, very busy lives, then slowly we will drift... like a small boat, out to sea. Until one day, many of us will look around and see nothing but water for miles in every direction. And there will be no one to blame but that lonely person sitting in that boat, all alone.
So this is 35... fantastic.
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