I once joked with an ex that he should make a T-Shirt saying "Just Don't." I thought it was quite genius since clearly he wasn't in a place to be in a successful relationship, and I had been on the not-so-nice receiving end of his realization of this fact. However... years later, clearly, the joke is on me as my best friend ran into him a while back and supposedly he's been in a relationship for a while now with a woman who now lives with him... he's in a house and even bought a dog.
I like to tell myself that I prep men to be good boyfriends... this seems to be a truth, considering the way they act with me and then go on to be in relationships not long afterwards. But maybe this isn't true. Maybe it's just me who is the wrong piece in the puzzle. Maybe I'm the one who's the wrong fit.
It seems quite cruel for someone who has such a great desire to love and to bring someone happiness and security to meet the type of men I seem to meet-- over and over and over.
It is said that to do a thing over and over with the expectation of a different outcome is the definition of insanity. So maybe I am insane. I look at my past... even some things in the not so distant past... and I see that I do the same thing. In different ways. But it's all the same. And the problem that I have is that I continue to think that each "he" is different. They never are. And methodically, each one does the SAME thing... they vanish.
I think I hide behind my long eyelashes and my confidence and I really think that I am my own fortress; when, in fact, this could not be further than the truth. Just because a man thinks you're pretty it doesn't mean that he would care about you or treat you as anything other than a pretty girl. Pretty does not equal respect.
I see so many people and it just works... no games, no tears... just fun. They all look so happy and carefree. I can't help but be so jealous in a small way. Not that I'm not thrilled for them-- after all, the more good guys I see with my friends, the more hope it gives me that they're not all bad. But seriously... it's like I all of the sudden don't know how to handle a crush anymore. I'm so all or nothing it's ridiculous. I either don't have any interest whatsoever, or I can't get enough of them.
In the back of my mind, I just hear my friend's words... "Don't give up. You never give guys a chance; you're always so hard on them" and I secretly hope that she's right and I'm the one who always shuts it down. Although this is partially true... I know that I do it just before he does anyways... so it's still over. No matter who "checked out" first. It was over anyway.
I am well aware that things change and people change over time... but how can you be interested in someone (even ever so slightly) for months... and then all of the sudden... it's done? This is why I have my fortress... if I never get butterflies then I can never make the wrong decision... I will never cry or wish so badly that I could undo what cannot be undone. And what sucks about it... he probably has no idea! He's just thinking "Well, that was fun." And is off to Dallas or wherever he felt like being spontaneous and driving to... on to the next one.
And poor, pitiful female is left with her thoughts and regrets. And to think... it all could have been avoided. Will I ever learn?
I like to tell myself that I prep men to be good boyfriends... this seems to be a truth, considering the way they act with me and then go on to be in relationships not long afterwards. But maybe this isn't true. Maybe it's just me who is the wrong piece in the puzzle. Maybe I'm the one who's the wrong fit.
It seems quite cruel for someone who has such a great desire to love and to bring someone happiness and security to meet the type of men I seem to meet-- over and over and over.
It is said that to do a thing over and over with the expectation of a different outcome is the definition of insanity. So maybe I am insane. I look at my past... even some things in the not so distant past... and I see that I do the same thing. In different ways. But it's all the same. And the problem that I have is that I continue to think that each "he" is different. They never are. And methodically, each one does the SAME thing... they vanish.
I think I hide behind my long eyelashes and my confidence and I really think that I am my own fortress; when, in fact, this could not be further than the truth. Just because a man thinks you're pretty it doesn't mean that he would care about you or treat you as anything other than a pretty girl. Pretty does not equal respect.
I see so many people and it just works... no games, no tears... just fun. They all look so happy and carefree. I can't help but be so jealous in a small way. Not that I'm not thrilled for them-- after all, the more good guys I see with my friends, the more hope it gives me that they're not all bad. But seriously... it's like I all of the sudden don't know how to handle a crush anymore. I'm so all or nothing it's ridiculous. I either don't have any interest whatsoever, or I can't get enough of them.
In the back of my mind, I just hear my friend's words... "Don't give up. You never give guys a chance; you're always so hard on them" and I secretly hope that she's right and I'm the one who always shuts it down. Although this is partially true... I know that I do it just before he does anyways... so it's still over. No matter who "checked out" first. It was over anyway.
I am well aware that things change and people change over time... but how can you be interested in someone (even ever so slightly) for months... and then all of the sudden... it's done? This is why I have my fortress... if I never get butterflies then I can never make the wrong decision... I will never cry or wish so badly that I could undo what cannot be undone. And what sucks about it... he probably has no idea! He's just thinking "Well, that was fun." And is off to Dallas or wherever he felt like being spontaneous and driving to... on to the next one.
And poor, pitiful female is left with her thoughts and regrets. And to think... it all could have been avoided. Will I ever learn?
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